Ludicrous “Fad Diets”

I had such a good time checking out the ridiculous “fad” diets listed on FadDiet.com for my post yesterday that I couldn’t help but share…

The All You Can Eat 7 Day Diet

MONDAY

All the fruit you want except banana

TUESDAY

All the vegetables you want *you can use soy sauce, vinegar or mustard

WEDNESDAY

All the fruit & vegetables you want.

THURSDAY

5 bananas with 5 glasses of milk

FRIDAY

4 (3 oz beef/chicken or fish steaks) with fresh vegetables

SATURDAY

4 (3 oz. beef steaks) with fresh vegetables

SUNDAY

4 (3 oz. beef steaks) with fresh vegetables

The “Lemonade” Diet

Hey folks, do you hate food? Do you think you could live without it for a while? I don’t, but if you really think that living without food seems like a great idea, here is the plan for you. Some folks call it the lemonade diet while others will call it a lemonade cleanse or even “The Master Cleanse”. I call it ‘The Master Dumbest Idea I Have Seen In A While”.

Here is how to completely empty your intestinal tract. You’ll look great at the coroner’s office after you pass out and crash your car.

The diet plan is simple. You can’t eat anything! Ha ha ha! You are so bummin!

You can drink something that people call Lemonade, but it isn’t really lemonade, unless you like hot pepper in your lemonade. I personally do not like hot pepper in my lemonade. I also don’t use maple syrup to make lemonade. I like maple syrup, but it isn’t an ingredient in lemonade in my house.

You also get to drink salt water and laxative tea. Woo Hoo!

Here is how to make the lemonade:

2 oz. of fresh squeezed lemon juice. No using the bottled stuff, although cheaters have been known to use the frozen concentrate from Trader Joe’s.

2 oz. of maple syrup, (sticklers call for grade B, Organic maple syrup, and let’s face it, this is a diet plan for the sticklers)

1/4 of a teaspoon (or more) of cayenne pepper

2 Cups of Water.

Mix it up and enjoy it because that is all you are getting. You’ll need about 160 ounces per day.

When you get up in the morning you can choose to drink a “salt water flush” consisting of 2 teaspoons of salt (sticklers use uniodized, sea salt) and 1 quart of water. It takes about 30 minutes to run through you, so don’t drink it right before a long commute.

At night you can drink Herbal Laxative Tea.

Normally, I don’t write about what results you can expect, but this plan warrants some expected results.

During the diet (some people go for 10 days) you can expect:
* Diarrhea
* Dizziness
* The salt water can make you puke.
* You might lose about 8 pounds over 10 days * While during the diet you might be sluggish, it promises increased energy afterward. After you EAT SOMETHING!
* You will crap out all of the solids within your body. Be ready. If you swallowed a pebble when you were 5 years old, it might make a guest appearance.
* You may have an increased desire to eat healthy foods afterward.

Good luck with the cleansing. If it causes your hemorrhoids to flare up, I suggest you stop by ShopInPrivate.com to take care of them.

The Metabolism Diet

Rules of the road:

  • Drink at least 4 glasses of water or diet soda per day.
  • You can add the following to your foods:
    • herbs
    • salt
    • pepper
    • lemon
    • vinegar
    • Worcestershire
    • soy sauce
    • mustard & ketchup

DAY 1

  • BREAKFAST
    • Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal
  • LUNCH
    • 2 hard boiled eggs
    • 1 cup cooked spinach
  • DINNER
    • 1 lettuce and celery salad
    • 1 6oz. steak *(use PAM to fry)

DAY 2

  • BREAKFAST
    • Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal
    • one water cracker
  • LUNCH
    • 1 lettuce and celery salad
    • 1 6oz. steak broiled or grilled
  • DINNER
    • 8-10 oz. of Ham

DAY 3

  • BREAKFAST
    • Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal
    • one water cracker
  • LUNCH
    • 2 hard boiled eggs
    • 1 cup green beans
    • 1 cup tomatoes
  • DINNER
    • 8-10 oz. of Ham
    • 2 cups green bean/tomato salad

DAY 4

  • BREAKFAST
    • Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal
    • one water cracker
  • LUNCH
    • 1 hard boiled eggs
    • 1 cup raw carrots
  • DINNER
    • 1 cup regular yogurt
    • 1 oz. mozzerella cheese
    • 1 cup fruit salad

DAY 5

  • BREAKFAST
    • Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal
    • 1 raw carrot
    • Juice of 1 lemon
  • LUNCH
    • 1 fried fish filet (4-6 oz.)
    • tomato salad
  • DINNER
    • 1 4-6 oz. steak
    • green salad

DAY 6

  • BREAKFAST
    • Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal
  • LUNCH
    • 1 4-8oz. chicken broiled w/o skin
  • DINNER
    • 2 hardboiled eggs
    • 1 raw carrott

DAY 7

  • BREAKFAST
    • Tea w/lemon
  • LUNCH
    • 1 4-8oz. steak broiled or grilled
    • 1 1/2 cup of fruit
  • DINNER
    • a sensible dinner

And, my personal favorite, this site’s take on The South Beach Diet

Here is my version of the South Beach Diet.

Put on your bathing suit. Go to South Beach. Take of your shirt and sit on the blanket for a while. Look at all of the beautiful, thin, tan people. Look at your own body.

If that doesn’t motivate you, go for a walk. Walk all along South Beach until you find a donut shop. Keep walking. Walk and walk and walk looking for that donut shop.

You will become thin before you will find a donut shop in South Beach. Why? Because the thin folks at South Beach don’t eat donuts.

But honestly, is life without donuts really worth living?

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